Top Hats and Tails

The Gentlemen's Trumpet

By Professor Pliffploff

Our Man in the Turbulent Trousers and Explosive Top Hat

The Knickerzing

AS my regular readers will know, I do my level best to deal with all things with utmost delicacy. Top hat wearers require nothing less.

But I would be remiss if I did relate to you my latest invention, which will be of interest to all women, including my fellow columnist Blanche Celery, famed author of Ladies' Things.

A colleague of the fair gender complained to me the other day that she had hurt her back so badly (I did not inquire how) that she was unable to get her knickers on. Accordingly I have come up with an invention to assist this damsel in distress. I am proud to announce the Knickerzing.

A hollowed-out top hat containing a strong spring is placed upon the floor weighted down by any passing badger (the heavier the better). The knickers are then placed astride the aforesaid headgear and the patient's feet inserted in the leg holes of the undergarment.

A cheese-and-pickle sandwich is then placed on the brim of the hat. When Old Brock spots the sandwich he will leap out of the hat, releasing the spring on which he had been reclining, thrusting the knickers upwards on to the discommoded female personage.

Et voila! A beknickered lady all bloomered up and ready to meet the world with a grateful smile!

I recently demonstrated the Knickerzing to the Lady Chairperson of the Cholmondeley Bottom Women's Institute.

She can be contacted until further notice at the Cottage Hospital (crutch replacement department.)

A Trifle Over the Top

Hello technophiles! Professor Pliffploff here bringing you the latest news and views from the world of top hats.

How many of you realised that a topper could be used for other things than just putting on one's head? How many of you have thought about it at all? Very few, I imagine.

But the very fact that you are reading my treatise on the aforesaid cranial adornment (last time I looked 425 people had visited the Daily Drone site) indicates to me that there is considerable interest in the subject.

Did you realise, for instance, that a topper could trim your hair? With the help of my assistant Barmy Brainstorm, I have come up with such an invention.

You can make one yourself. First take the top off your topper with a cigar cutter. Fill the hat with lobsters and then pour in bananas and custard, which lobsters loathe. This infuriates the little fellows so much that their nippers will go like the clappers, thus cutting the wearer's hair.

When the hair restyling is complete, boiling water may be poured into the hat, producing a fine dinner and a pudding at one fell swoop.

Unfortunately, the machine still needs a little fine tuning.

Any inquiries or orders should be addressed to me at the Burns Unit of Cholmondeley Cottage Hospital (Toupee Division).

Cheerio, for now.

Yours aye,

The Prof


© 2005-2022 Alastair McIntyre