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SUNDAY 19  MAY 2024

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Pass the smelling salts Daphne, I’ve been to see a performance
of some naughty Loose Women 

Mal isn’t sure who these women are but isn’t that Janet Port-Streeter?

By MALCOLM TATTERSALL

DID you know that Keith Allen has a tiny cock that looks like a mushroom? No, neither did I until I went along to a performance of "Loose Women Live" at the London Palladium.


In fact, I didn’t even know who Keith Allen was. But it turns out he’s an actor and the dad of somebody else I've never heard of called Lily Allen, who is a pop singer.


I also learned that Gloria Hunniford never wears any underwear (although I do hope she pulled on a pair of clean drawers before going to Buck House to receive her OBE from the Queen).


And Janet Street-Porter, the only one of the on-stage panel I’d ever heard of, told us how she lost her virginity at 16 and has since had four husbands and three long-term boyfriends, as well as several “back-burner men”.


Janet may also once have shagged Bette Midler's husband, but she seemed a little unsure. Perhaps at 76, her memory isn’t what it  was.


Also, did you know that people in London have more sex than anywhere else in there UK, although Belfast is not far behind?


Not surprisingly, the little Bedfordshire town of Ampthill, where I live, doesn’t get a look in – but then, sadly, I knew that already.


Apparently, Loose Women has been on ITV screens for 24 years, and regularly imparts such fascinating morsels of information.


But I’d never seen it before and didn’t know what to expect when my friend Natasha invited me along to the live version at the Palladium.


I was outnumbered about 20-1 by whooping, hollering and screeching female fans who obviously thought it was a hoot.


And they were almost rolling in the aisles when Denise Welch, yet another person I’d never heard of, told them: “My husband said I’ll bet you can’t tell me something which makes me both happy and sad at the same time. So I thought for a minute before replying, ‘You’ve got a bigger willy than your brother’.”


Then Denise brought the house down when she went on: “Was enjoying Bake Off on the telly the other day when my husband sneered ‘what you watching that for, you can’t bleeding cook?’. So I told him, ‘Well, you watch fucking porn’.”


At that point, deafened by gales of laughter, I was tempted to make my excuses and leave. But I didn’t.


And, to be honest, I ended up actually rather enjoying the evening


 *Loose Women Live goes on to Bath Forum today (September 21), then Plymouth Pavilions on Saturday, Southampton Mayflower on Sunday, Oxford New Theatre next Monday and Southern Cliffs Pavilion next Wednesday.