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SUNDAY 19  MAY 2024

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BOARD MEETING AT DAILY GETSWORSE

As overheard by Terry Manners

A dream one night. Not true, of course.


Chairman: I counted 20 names in the paper this week, not including sports pages. Why do we have 174 journalists on the paper?


Editor: Journalists have different jobs; they don’t all write under their own name, Chairman.


Chairman: The rest must be idle. I rang your office on Monday at midnight and was put through to a man called the Night Editor. He told me he was reading newspapers; the Daily Mail was one. How dare he read the opposition while being paid by us!


Editor: I expect he was checking what the opposition had, Chairman.


Chairman: Why can’t he do that at home in his own time, with his own money?


Managing Editor (interrupts): You will be pleased to hear, Chairman, that we are taking a long-term fiscally responsible approach to costs. We are closing Maureen’s tea bar on the editorial floor. 


Chairman: You mean people have been drinking in company time?


Editor: Only in The Poppinjay, Chairman.


Circulation Director: We’ve had a brilliant idea to increase sales, Chairman. The Daily Mail does very well with its Holiday Cottage giveaway. We’re going to give away … a tent.


Managing Director: Isn’t that costly? Tents are very expensive these days. And I have just hired a new chef for our Director’s private restaurant.


Circulation Director: Cheap as chips. It's only for a week and Travel Editor Jeremy Gates has done a deal.


Editor:  Any other deals going, do we know? I’m looking for two seats in the front bit, left, at the top of the steps through the curtain on British Airways to Nice.


Promotions Director: We could put up sales with an education promotion on the best schools in Blighty. You know, a sort of 12-page pull-out.


Chairman: There aren’t enough schools to fill those pages are there, after (counts on fingers) Stowe, Eton, Harrow, Rugby, Westminster and er … Winchester?


Production Director: The printers are revolting.


General agreement.


Production Director (continues): They plan to come out on strike unless they get luncheon vouchers for day working.


Managing Director: I’ll put another wedge on the Securicor van for them. Sorted.


Chairman: Someone used my personal lift yesterday while I was in it.


Managing Director: But it goes directly to your personal floor.


Chairman: I know. Don’t use it again.


Editor: Just to let everyone know, Prime Minister Mrs Thatcher is coming on Friday.


Managing Director: I’ll clear out the Perrier water from my drinks cabinet, we know how she hates the frogs.


Chairman: Frogs, frogs? I thought it was rats in the building we had a problem with.


Someone: They are only on sinking ships, Chairman:


Meeting concluded: