Drone researchers find the ‘perfect’ hotel on a lesser known Italian lake

Lord Drone’s PA, Parsimonia Cutback, has been tasked with sourcing a value-for-money holiday as an alternative to the Drone family’s traditional August vacation to ‘get a bit of colour’ in Sizewell-on-Sea. Here she shares with Drone trainee Rosalie Rambleshanks a brochure she has received from the Grand Hotel Pretencioso on the shores of one of Italy’s less fashionable lakes. 

Your journey

Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel because you will go around the bend. The manager will await you in the lobby. He always tries to have intercourse with new guests.

Your hotel

This is a family establishing so kids very welcome. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies there. We organise social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

Your restaurant

Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. Ask your waitress what is in season and you may be in for a special surprise. At dinner our quartet will circulate from table to table and fiddle with you.

Your room

Every chamber has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, each room is on heat. There is a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Your bed

Each of the beds has been prepared  in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas how you’d like to be made up please ring for the chambermaid. Do take advantage of her. She will be very happy to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.


When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will strugale to forget it and we will be a hangover from the past. Maybe you will be coming again to visit us.