That was close shave, but I think we got away with it, as Keir said to Rachel (hoping no one noticed)

Phew! That was a close shave, Rach, but I think we got away with it.

Your speech helped, Keir. And the way you deflected those questions afterwards was nothing short of masterly.

When in doubt, Rach, give them the old angels dancing on the head of a pin routine. Never fails. They’re journalists. They either get bored or baffled and forget what they came for.

I liked the way you took a question from that ITV man, Preston…

Peston. Robert Peston.

Yeah, that’s him. Seems to have appointed himself doyen of the Press corps. Doesn’t he talk strangely? It’s as if he gets to the end of a sentence and can’t remember what the start was.

Yes, odd. But his question was bloody impertinent. Something like ‘In all my years, I’ve never seen such a shambolic Budget. Was it your fault, or Rachel Reeves’s?’  Well, I wasn’t having that.

No. You just ignored him and spoke about the brilliance of my measures. Or something.

Well, I’m not answering crass questions like that. As PM, you can choose what you talk about. It’s much easier than pleading a case. There’s no judge to keep you to the point.

It helped that that awful man from the OBR fell on his sword. That was a timely distraction. He had it coming, of course. Who does he think he is, revealing that I knew we weren’t really in deep doo-doo before I whacked up the taxes again?

Well, yes, but he actually resigned over the Budget details going online before you’d even told the House what they were.

I know. But I’d rather cunningly leaked them all before Budget day anyway. So there wasn’t much harm done. Any, actually. Still, it put Kemi in a strop. That’s always a good thing. Mind you, she’s quite scary when she’s riled.

I thought you looked a bit – how can I put it? – spooked when you were defending yourself on all those weekend politics shows, Rach. Who was coaching you? I’ll give you a few lessons, if you like. I know how to deal with that Kuenssberg woman. And Trevor Phillips.

Keir, I’m sorry, but I wish you wouldn’t call me Rach. It takes me back to Lewisham. That’s what they called me at school. But I’m chancellor of the Exchequer now.

Well, I’m Prime Minister – and it’s Sir Keir, if you please.

Oh, for goodness’ sake! You know how I feel about knighthoods.

No, how do you feel?

I think anyone who wants one should automatically be barred from having one. We’re socialists, Keir. We are the ordinary working people we represent.

Are we? It’s true I’m the son of a toolmaker, but I’m a barrister too, a former head of the Crown Prosecution Service. By the way, you should see the pension that goes with that, Rach…el. Obviously, that was before you limited how much people can whack into their pension pots tax free.

You’ll have another handsome pension when the voters finally boot us out, Keir. And you can go back to being a barrister. Kerrrr-ching!

First of all, we’re not going to be voted out. That’s just not going to happen. Between us, we’ll have the country tickety-boo by 2029. Keep the faith, Rachel. And anyway, I’ll try to go down Tony’s post Downing Street route. Advisor and enabler to the filthy rich.

You’re going abroad then, Keir?

No, I wasn’t thinking of it. Why?

Because there won’t be any rich people in this country by the time I’m finished with the economy. Working people will have all the money.

Except that they won’t be working any more, Rachel. They’ll all be on benefits. Tell me, where did your economic ideas come from, Rachel?

I got a 2:1 in PPE from Oxford and a master’s from LSE.

Crikey! So how come the economy’s such a complete…

Have a care, Prime Minister!

*****

Reporting the death at 88 of playwright Tom Stoppard, The Sunday Times said that he invited 500 friends to his 80th birthday party at the Chelsea Physic Garden in 2017. How many?

I doubt if I have got to know 500 people in my 77 years, let alone made friends of them. My friends could be counted on the fingers of two hands; the close friends on one, with a digit or two to spare.

The Sunday Times called Stoppard a gregarious man. I’ll say. Having 500 friends must be a full-time job. It’s a wonder that the plays wot he wrote ever got finished.

*****

Young people are leaving the country in droves. Do you blame them?

It could be close to four years before we get the chance to vote this Government into oblivion. Some years seem longer than others; the next four could feel like a lifetime.

Official figures out last week showed a fall in net migration to 204,000. This was driven partly by 693,000 people moving overseas in the year to last June. That’s one in every 100 of us.

More than one in three who left the UK were British nationals. Nearly seven out of 10 were aged from 16 to 34.

Thousands who joined the exodus are Poles or Romanians who have gained British citizenship and are now going home, taking partners and children with them.

You can bet that many of them are well educated, skilled, ambitious and with high hopes and aspirations for themselves and their families. In other words, people we should be trying to keep here.

So what is driving them away?

Keir Starmer, in his pitch to the British people, promised to “fix the foundations” of the nation. But all he has managed so far is to paper over the cracks.

A recent letter from Expressman Terry Ryle to the Drone complains of the ancient right of trial by jury being scrapped for many offences. The reform was brought in by Justice Secretary David Lammy and provoked little controversy.

But Terry is right, it is a legal and constitutional outrage. And one which you would expect a man of Starmer’s background in the legal profession to find completely abhorrent.

Like much else, the legal system is dilapidated and falling down. This was Labour’s attempt to shore it up like a crumbling building that no one can afford to repair.

It was meant to deal with the backlog of cases that has built up since Covid halted us in our tracks. But some in the legal world doubt it will do the job.

The courtrooms in our towns and cities are in crisis too. The roofs leak, the walls need fresh plaster; some are abandoned. There’s no money to refurbish them.

But the courts are only half of the criminal justice system. First catch your criminal.

Starmer crowed in a speech on Monday that an extra 3,000 police officers would be hired by march. Yes, but not fully-fledged constables, only police community support officers who have very limited powers but come a lot cheaper.

The Met alone is short of more than 1,000 officers and struggling with a budget shortfall, which London Mayor Sadiq Khan naturally blames on the previous Tory Government.

Some of the officers they do have are raw and a few are not fit to be in the police. Think of murderer Wayne Couzens, or the serial rapist David Carrick or the racist, thuggish, women-haters weeded out at Charing Cross, the UK’s busiest police station.

Meanwhile, the shoplifters go about their business, knowing that there’s not much chance their crimes will be investigated, much less solved. And in the unlikely event that they are nicked, there is nowhere to lock them up because all the jails are full.

Talking of foundations, Starmer promised 1,500,000 new homes by 2029. An annual target of 300,000 new homes. That’s a big, bold ambition. How’s it going?

The figures for the first year of his Government show that he was already 113,400 short of the target. Many in the industry believe it is pie in the sky, completely unattainable.

And many of the homes that are built will be well out of the reach of the ordinary working people he claims to represent. Thousands of “ghost” houses and flats are going up. These aren’t for the many living in squalid, mould-infested council accommodation.

No, a lot of the new homes will be bought by foreigners, who will never live in them but will watch as their value rises without any effort on their part.

You might ask why this is happening. After all, we’re a rich country.

Yes, we are. The United Kingdom has a gross domestic product (GDP) of £2.56 trillion. That’s the value of all the goods and services we produce in a year.

It sounds like a lot – and it is. But not if you waste the tax it raises on projects so mad you can hear them howling in faraway forests.

I’m afraid all those young folk who joined the exodus decided that the game was up. There was nothing left for them here.

RICHARD DISMORE

3 December 2025