Cruises? A plague on these noxious floating hotels
MV HONDIUS: The ship that put the ‘us’ in virus
The fate of the doomed MV Hondius – infected with rat-borne Hantavirus that has so far killed three passengers – has not put me off the idea of a holiday on the ocean waves.
You see, I long ago decided that all the horses in the Household Cavalry would not drag me to the gangplank of a cruise liner.
I shudder at the very thought of it. Confined in a tower block balanced precariously on a ship’s hull with up to 7,600 others for days, weeks, even months, waiting for some noxious disease to sweep through the vessel, is not my idea of fun.
They are all potentially plague ships, like those that carried the Black Death to Europe in the 14th Century. The Diamond Princess demonstrated that during the Covid pandemic.
In 2020, the luxury liner was quarantined off Japan for two weeks after 567 of the 2,666 passengers, and also 145 crew, were stricken with the virus, which killed up to 14.
But passengers are more likely to be hit by gastro-intestinal diseases such as Norovirus, far more transmissible than Hantavirus. This can sweep through a ship with devastating speed and it is easy to see how.
All those buffets, all that seafood and sushi and all those grubby fingers. No wonder cruise ships now often have a crew member at the entrance to the dining room directing passengers to wash basins or bottles of hand sanitiser before they swarm the waiting feast.
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A red cruise ship and a blue cruise ship
collided. The survivors were marooned
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But my dread of this kind of holiday goes deeper than health concerns. For a start, a cruise ship must be the only place where you can have claustrophobia and agoraphobia at the same time.
Imagine the misery of sitting in a tiny cabin staring through a porthole at the endless horizon outside.
Then there are the people you might meet. Cruise holidays used to be for the old and well-heeled (and still are, to some extent). The ship might be touring the Caribbean but Grandpa would still be in his deckchair in corduroys and cardie. Grandma would have a headscarf to keep her blue-rinsed perm safe from the ocean breeze.
Mornings would be spent reading a Graham Greene novel with a stiff gin and tonic to hand. They would pass the afternoon playing deck quoits and in the evening, after a couple of sharpeners, they would dress in black tie and evening gown for dinner at the captain’s table.
Afterwards, there might be a game of bridge and a brandy before they retired exhausted to their cabin/suite/stateroom.
Cruising has gone a bit more populist now. They appeal to families. It is not just about where you go and what you see when you get there. It is also about the fun you can have on board.
No more deck quoits. Now there are swimming pools, water-chutes, gyms, exercise classes, spas, golf, ice-skating, cinemas, casinos. And stage entertainment: Singers, dancers, magicians for the kids.
It’s Butlin’s on the high seas. Great, if that’s your bag. But it’s not mine. I’m not a snob, I’m just not that gregarious. And there’s no escape on a ship.
Most cruise ships have many, many bars. This might be more my kind of thing, except that you can buy what is called a drinks package. It is like an all-you-can-eat buffet for boozers.
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Overheard on a cruise liner: ‘Will this lift
take me to the front of the ship?’
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This means that the more dedicated dipsos head for the bar as soon as possible after breakfast and don’t come out until dinner time. I suspect the atmosphere would reek of a certain kind of expat – the kind that sings Roll Out the Barrel and is vile to the staff.
Dinner time… there’s another thing. Most cruises have a smart casual dress code for dinner but the posher ones can still sometimes require black tie. I haven’t worn a dinner jacket in years and never will again, especially not to sit at the captain’s table.
Then there is the extracurricular activity. If you see pink flamingos on a cabin door or on a passenger’s beach bag, it might well be a coded message that they are “swingers”, partial to a bit of wife-swapping. Pineapple motifs are the same saucy hint.
And since some of the cruise ships are – in population terms – the size of a small town, there might even be some enterprising scally who has managed to smuggle weed and cocaine aboard for sale.
The sheer scale of these vessels becomes a problem when they dock at the beautiful cities and cultural hotspots on their itinerary. They are often the drivers of the tourist fatigue felt in cities such as Venice, Barcelona and Dubrovnik.
I recall being in Venice when three of these giant cruise ships docked within hours of each other. The city was overrun with Chinese and Japanese tourists posing for selfies in St Mark’s Square.
So many were on the Rialto Bridge that I crossed it without realising where I was. And the plentiful restaurants were so crowded that it was impossible to get a table. I know I was a tourist too, but I came in a small party – by train.
So, no, I won’t be boarding a cruise ship any time soon. I have been immensely lucky and seen wondrous sights in many parts of the world.
Enough for a lifetime, I think.
*****
The Drone’s mole in the Prime Minister’s office strained every sinew to get this down with her 100wpm Pitman’s, so that you could judge who is running the country. And we still don’t know – Ed.
Starmer: Good morning, Gordon. Welcome back to government. What did you think of my speech?
Brown: I’d say Churchillian, Keir, but you might not take it as a compliment.
Starmer: Blairish? Shall we settle on that?
Brown: No, we most certainly won’t! Besides, I’m not someone you have to convince, Keir. It’s those backbenchers of yours. Absolute rabble. Alastair Campbell would have put the fear of God into them in my day.
Starmer: Maybe you could do that? Son of the Manse and all that. Call them in and throw your phone at them.
Brown: Ahem, I didn’t know that was what you had in mind when you made me your Special Reviewer on Global Finance and Cooperation, Keir. Talking of which, I’ve arranged a tour of the G20 nations, starting on Monday.
Starmer: What, all 19 of them? Isn’t that a little soon? I was hoping for the odd photo-op before you went junketing… er, I mean carrying out vital research. What do you think, Rachel?
Reeves: Gordon was kind enough to check with me first and I said yes.
Starmer: Hmm, of course. If he’s abroad, he can’t be the quasi Chancellor.
Reeves: Or PM, Prime Minister.
Brown: Been there, done that, got the pension. And I have no intention of going through it again. This is your shitshow, Keir. I’ll be in Argentina if you need me.
Starmer: Well, before you go, tell me: how do I find the money to buy British Steel and triple the Defence budget? Because we all know he’s coming for us.
Brown: Cut welfare. Slash and burn, Keir. It’s out of control.
Starmer: Slash and burn? These are people we’re talking about. I want them treated with sensitivity.
Brown: Very well, slash and burn sensitively.
Starmer: Correct me if I’m wrong, Gordon, but didn’t you start this problem in the first place?
Brown: No, I didn’t.
Reeves: Yes, you did. What about all those tax credits you doled out in 2002? That was the start of it.
Brown: I always exercised prudence in everything I did.
Starmer: Prudence? Who was she? Not that spad with the legs up to… And what sort of exercise?
Brown: Prudence, you fool! It’s not a person, it means caution. And I don’t like your implication.
Reeves: Were you exercising prudence when you sold 60 per cent of our gold at rock bottom prices? You realise the reserves you flogged would be worth £44 billion now?
Brown: They said you were a fool, Rachel, and I’m starting to believe them. From Monday, I’ll be on this number.
Reeves: +54, where’s that?
Brown: I’m staying in the Four Seasons, Buenos Aires. Presidential suite.
*****
Sherlock star Benedict Cumberbatch has been filmed having a row with a “vigilante” cyclist who accused the actor of running three red lights and failing to stop at a zebra crossing.
Not only do I take a dim view of riders who behave like that, but I’ve no time for a man who says, as Cumberbatch reportedly did: “Dude, you verbally abused me.”
Dude? Come on!
RICHARD DISMORE
13 May 2026
