Part 2: Overheard in Waitrose

One of the highlights of the digital publishing year (Oh, come on! — Ed) was the Daily Drone’s hilarious series Overheard in Waitrose featuring fascinating snippets of conversation which revealed so much about the people who shop in that up-your-bum grocery store.

Since then the Drone has been inundated (? — Ed) with pleas from readers for more of the same.

Even our proprietor, Lord Drone, a keen fan, has been approached in the luxury mixed gender Turkish baths that he patronises in a cellar in a side turning off Curzon Street (Stop! On no account must this be published before I check with Lord D — Ed).

So, by popular request, our witty, incisive trainee MULDOON, the Drone’s very own unexplained item in the bagging area, passes on more gems Overheard in Waitrose:

“You’ll like potato, darling. It’s what gnocchi is made of.”

“Simon, don’t get the basic hummus - you’ll make me a laughing stock.

“Horry, put down that Daily Mail this instant. Horatio, I said now!”

“Please take that out of the trolley, Lavinia. I’ve told you what kind of people eat crisps.”

“George, run over and pop this little green token into one of those boxes. Nothing to do with the homeless or gypsies mind.”

“I just died when they offered me a Ferrero Rocher with my Bellini. Rough as tits it was. Rough as tits.”

“I told you they’re not people like us. Range Rover in the drive and a massive vat of Utterly Butterly in the middle of the buffet.”

“Oh, buggery botch wagons, Felicity. Do mummy a favour and run and get the organic quinoa before it’s our turn to be served.”

“Excuse me, do you stock the Earl Grey chocolate thins? I can’t remember for the life of me whether I got them here or at Fortnum’s.”

“I’d have a breakdown only I’ve got a facial booked for two o’clock.”

“Mummy, why are we getting Essential Waitrose carrots?” “They’re for the pony, darling.”

“The music teacher had the cheek to say that Eveline could do a Bach sonata at the end-of-term concert. I thought ‘Fuck this. I’m not paying through the nose for a piddling sonata.’ So I told him: ‘It’s the Elgar or nothing.’”

“No, the parking around there is horrendous, especially when the infants come out. I had to tell a couple of the new mums the other day: ‘Don’t parade around here in your Korean AWDs. This is Range Rover territory.’”

“Oh, she’s a jumped-up bitch all right but I brought her down a peg or two at the book club dinner. Imagine asking for chopsticks in a Thai restaurant!”

Overheard in Lidl: “Won’t be long, Felix. Just doing my Waitrose shop.”

And finally, Overheard in Aldi: “Hi, Tig. You’ve caught me in Waitrose despite the crap signal. Of course I’ll be at bridge tonight. Antigone, you know you can rely on me.”



© 2005-2022 Alastair McIntyre