Overheard at Waitrose Part 1


Before the Drone’s junior journo, Muldoon, fulfilled his dream of working at the World’s Greatest Online Newspaper, he was a “partner” at Waitrose, stacking shelves, pricing stock and even serving on the check-out.

Now in this brilliant new Drone series, he reports, in his trademark witty and incisive way, on the snatches of conversation, Overheard in Waitrose, which give a unique insight into the customers who patronise this iconic family grocers. 

“Please don’t rummage in the reduced bin, darling. Someone from the golf club might see you.”

Mother: “Oh, focaccia. I’ve forgotten my purse.”

Daughter: “That’s all right, mummy, I still have daddy’s AMEX from my school ski trip.”

“Ari, darling, please put that down. Aristotle, I said now.”

“Everyone on our estate shops at Waitrose. Even the gamekeepers.”

“Tarquinius, do you want Iberico or Serrano ham?” “Iberico, of course, mummy”

“Mummy, are we doing shopping for the boat as well?”

“Mummy, are the free cups of coffee for the poor people who haven’t got a Gaggia?”

“I thought I’d better phone to warn you, Lavinia, there’s only two half lobster tails left. I know: it’s ridiculous. It must be the heat. Everybody’s barbecueing this weekend.

“Yes, let’s have a coffee. I’ve just spoken to Rosita and she’s still doing the ironing. I hate being home when the cleaner’s still there.”

“Bloody hell! Ever since they started dishing out free coffee it’s been like a soup kitchen in here.”

“Sebastian, if you don’t stop hitting your sister you won’t get any brioche.”

“Mummy has Lego got a silent T like Merlot?”

“Henry, you’re not going to believe this: they haven’t got balsamic glaze, only a sodding mist. I’ll have to go to M&S on the way home.”

“If you children are good, mummy will make your favourite chorizo, egg and sauté potatoes tonight.”

“Jolyon, if you can learn to pronounce bruschetta properly before we go to Sardinia I’ll buy you the new Saracens shirt.”

“We took Hector down to Exeter’s open day. It’s OK. Russell Group, of course. Nice people. Supposed to be very much a public school campus. Trouble is they’re public schools daddy says he’s never heard of.”

© 2005-2022 Alastair McIntyre