Ladies' Things



Hello ladies! Yes, it's time for some girlie talk in these male-dominated columns!

Today I want to discuss how you can make yourself more beautiful so you can attract more men. You don't have to look like an old dog if you don't want to!

Start the day with a good shave, taking special care with the upper lip. A man can be instantly turned off by a full bristly moustache on a lady!

Try not to cover razor cuts with lavatory paper. There is nothing that puts off a man more when you are kissing. Except, of course, a full bristly moustache!!

Then check the old boatrace* for spots and pimples, squeezing all those that are yellow-headed and ripe. Wipe any mess of the mirror with your sleeve.

Now here's a tip. Fill in all those facial crevices with a good dollop of lard. It doesn't crack like Polyfilla and smells slightly better.

Can't afford expensive designer perfumes? There are some lovely fragrant lavatory cleaners around at super prices. A dab of Sanilav behind the ears has been known to send a chap as daft as a bog brush!

One final tip. Get an extra week's wear out of your knickers by turning them inside out after the first seven days' wearing. It saves time - and water during this prolonged drought!

That's it for now I'm off for lunch with my pal Mascara Legge-Wax.

Happy eyebrow plucking!

*Translation for American readers. Boatrace: Cockney rhyming slang for face.

© 2005-2022 Alastair McIntyre